LAUSANNE — The upcoming 2028 Olympics in Los Angeles promised to be the most exciting ever with the inclusion of a new event: Women's Parallel Parking.
The International Olympic Committee reportedly voted to include the event so that women would have a greater opportunity to compete for medals. The event will reportedly have no male counterpart because parallel parking is too easy for men.
"We are uniquely qualified to host the inaugural Women's Parallel Parking event because parking in Los Angeles is so difficult," said California Governor Gavin Newsom. "Don't worry, I'll have all the homeless people's feces removed from the sidewalks before the event."
Women's Parallel Parking will prohibit the use of cars with built-in self-parking features, requiring female athletes to rely on their own skill to park between two objects. Power steering, however, is permitted.
"We can't put them at too much of a disadvantage," one Olympic Committee official said. "Just having them attempt to parallel park is creating a high level of difficulty and putting spectators at risk."
According to sources, Russia and China were already hard at work training their respective teams of women to compete. "We've given them the worst cars and the worst parking spots to practice," said Russian Parallel Parking Coach Yuri Petrov, a man who can parallel park. "It's important that we defeat the Americans at parallel parking and prove we have the best women drivers in the world."
Saudi Arabia declined to participate in the event.
At publishing time, tryouts for the U.S. Women's Parallel Parking Team were overwhelmed by trans-women looking for an easy gold medal.
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