HILLSBORO, OR—According to sources from within Solid Foundations Church, the long-standing worship team bassist of ten years was actually just a random guy who wandered up on the stage one day pretending like he knew what he was doing.
The man picked up the then-vacant church house bass and plucked completely random notes on the low E-string for the duration of the set that fateful day, and ended up retaining his position for over a decade.
“No one ever talked to him or really even noticed he was there,” worship leader Luke “Shredder” Johnson told reporters gathered in the church’s craft coffee bar. “He probably could have kept the gig going for years. We mostly had him turned off in the house anyway.”
Johnson informed the press that the fake bassist was revealed as an impostor on Sunday, as church staff went around gathering information for an upcoming church directory. After approaching the man standing in the shadows on the corner of the stage and asking for his personal information, he reportedly dove off the stage and made a break for an emergency side exit, never to be seen again.
At publishing time, no one had noticed that the church’s worship band no longer had a bassist, sources confirmed.
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