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Christmas shopping—it’s your favorite thing in the world, right? We didn’t think so. Thankfully, this year you don’t have to do anything because your friends at The Babylon Bee have thoughtfully done all your shopping for you.
That’s right, it’s time for our annual Christmas gift guide! Peruse our list and find the type of person you’re shopping for, and go buy the product right away. Don’t even think about it. Just trust us—they’ll love it!
For the fundamentalist Christian in your life: a Dungeons & Dragons Fifth Edition starter set. Your favorite independent fundamental Baptist or other fundy believer will love D&D's new, more streamlined rules and revamped spellcasting systems. If they begin foaming at the mouth when you give this to them, you'll know they love it! Local game shop, $19.99
For the socialist in your life: Economics in One Lesson by Henry Hazlitt. That look of confusion on your socialist friend's face when you hand them Economics in One Lesson is what the Christmas spirit is all about. They'll learn about common economic fallacies they probably commit each and every day. Amazon, $11.99
For the youth pastor in your life: a 48-pack of ramen. What does every youth pastor need? A cheap, abundant food supply. You can provide that for them with a 48-pack of chicken-flavored ramen noodles. Local grocery store, $14.99
For the truly spiritual believer in your life: a Chick-fil-A Christian muzak 5-CD boxset. This charming new box set contains every instrumental Christian worship song played at Chick-fil-A. The truly spiritual Christian in your life will love trying to identify each tune as they go about their day. Chick-fil-A online store, $49.99.
For the libertarian in your life: their own private road. Your libertarian buddy who's always ranting about taxation being theft will explode in delight when they see the privately funded road you've built from their house to their place of work. Now they can commute without participating in socialism! Check with local road contractors, price may vary.
For the Republican in your life: a Trumpy Bear. Every true Republican loves Trump, so every true Republican will love this soft, huggable bear in the likeness of our savior Donald Trump. Amazon, $59.99.
For the Democrat in your life: also a Trumpy Bear. Why would you limit your Trumpy Bear giving to just those on the right side of history? Democrats deserve to cuddle with Trump at bedtime too. Amazon, $59.99
For the false teacher in your life: Joel Osteen’s official teeth-whitening system. Osteen changed the gospel, and now he's changing the way Americans approach teeth whitening. His comprehensive system guarantees your chompers will go from yellow to "angel of light" in no time. Lakewood Church bookstore, $899.99.
For the children's minister in your life: a CD with nothing but the theme song from this year's VBS over and over again. Just wait until you see the look on your children's minister's face when she sees the disc you give her with nothing but this year's extremely irritating VBS theme song. Just when she finally got it out of her head from this past summer, you can remind her of those days all over again! LifeWay, $19.99
Just think about it: with all the time you just saved, you can watch ALL the Hallmark movies in a massive binge! Wooooo!!!
If you actually need a gift, go check out our friends at Burly Man Coffee. You can give the gift of coffee over and over again as that friend, family member, or special someone receives a monthly delivery of delicious, freshly roasted coffee. And best of all, Burly Man supports great causes like giving to the poor and saving the unborn. You can find out more here or check out the video below.