Alright folks, listen up, if you would. I won’t take too much of your time. I’m not trying to be confrontational here, but there’s something I need to address.
I am the great and mighty Philistine giant you’ve heard about since you were a baby. I am a warrior who enjoyed crushing all the little people’s skulls. Like, really, it was fun for me. If you could gather all your toughest friends, get some swords, and come at me, I’d turn all of you into red paste within three minutes, and I’d laugh while doing it.
So if you could please, please stop comparing me to your trite little first world problems, I would really appreciate it. My reputation has suffered enough already, don’t you think?
Look, I get it: your toaster broke, and that really sucks. But is that really comparable to a massive, bloodthirsty monster of a man who wants to kill you? Just think about it for a second. Go back and read about me in the Bible.
I’m sorry, it’s just that I think my legacy is tarnished every time a believer suggests their personal Goliath is some banal thing like taking the kids to soccer practice or trying to find a good contractor to install shiplap in their nook.
Did I mention I was over six cubits tall and absolutely lethal with or without weaponry? I slaughtered men wholesale, folks. All of Israel was afraid of me. I’m not really in the same league as your obnoxious boss who gets on your nerves.
So if you could cut it out with all the comparisons of me to the Doritos you’re trying not to eat, I’d really appreciate it. Do you think you could do that for me?