U.S.—After the release of a Pentagon report claiming countries in the Middle East have essential oil resources for our national security and productivity, support for invading the region shot up to 87% among Christian women.
"It's vital that we capture these essential oils and bring them back to the US," one woman in Ohio told reporters. "While I was always iffy about the concept of occupying foreign countries, I now am 100% in favor of occupying every single country in the Middle East indefinitely."
"Send some troops over there, some drones, bomb 'em to the stone age—I don't care, as long as I get my hands on that sweet, sweet essential oil," she added, a crazed look in her eye. "Come to mama, big barrels of frankincense!"
Christian women across the nation let their imaginations run wild with what kind of oil the countries might have. "I really hope they have lots of eucalyptus, lavender, and tea tree," a diamond-level MLM business owner said in an email to her downline Wednesday afternoon. "Can you imagine the peppermint and lemongrass products we can start to sell with this whole new supply the military's going to go get for us? Oh man, this is gonna be great."
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