DES PLAINES, IL—Peter Jenson was headed home from church on Sunday after a particularly electrifying worship service when his car lost control and caused a 30-car pileup on the eastbound side of the I-90 at the Lee street exit in Des Plaines. Parishioners say the sermon that morning had been on the reckless and audacious love of Jesus. The pastor Kenneth Hart had called churchgoers to exhibit the same kind of radical, unhinged, borderline psychotic love for their savior. Jenson took the message to heart and exited the church foyer with clumps of his own hair in each of his fists shouting incoherent gibberish at passers-by. Witnesses say he peeled out of the church parking lot and knocked over a fence before heading for the freeway onramp in a cloud of smoke.
"That's the kind of crazy love the Lord calls us to," said pastor Hart. "A lot of us talk about being sold out for Jesus, but Pete went all out bat-poo, outhouse rat, looney-tunes, banana-split-with a side of peanuts whacky for the Lord."
While there were no fatal injuries, twenty-three of the cars involved were totaled and hospitals in the area received over fifty patients with injuries ranging from minor scratches to concussions and internal bleeding.
"Every single one of the people in that pileup was affected by Jenson's reckless love for Jesus," pastor Hart commented.
Jenson was being held at St. Augustine hospital with multiple fractures and was expected to be in a body cast for the next seven to thirteen months until he jumped out of the fourth story window completely naked to further show his unabashed, wild, reckless love for Christ. Paramedics carried him back upstairs and put him in restraints for his own safety.
Jenson's parents gave the press a short interview expressing their feelings about the day's events. "Pete is an inspiration to us all. Imagine if we all lived out our love for God as he did? I can't even comprehend the effect that would have on the world," his father said.