BEIJING — This week, dozens of Chinese citizens died after the Chinese Communist Party welded their apartment doors shut and a fire broke out in the building, sparking protests. China has doubled down on its "Zero COVID" policy, however, and has tapped Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer to lead its COVID lockdown enforcement measures.
"Michigan's lockdowns were wonderfully effective in slowing the spread of COVID as well as freedom," said a Chinese Communist Party spokesman in a statement. "Our shared values with Whitmer, who we have affectionately dubbed the 'Ice Queen', make her the ideal candidate to lockdown our citizens under brutal totalitarian rule."
"Frankly, this woman is a pro."
Official Chinese government documentation sent an offer letter to Governor Whitmer, which has since leaked. The stipulations include that Governor Whitmer can still return to states like Florida to visit relatives as she did during the height of the pandemic lockdowns. Her job requirements in Beijing will include locking the elderly in their homes, suppressing protest and dissent, and sending lockdown violators to concentration camps.
At publishing time, Whitmer had accepted the offer letter from the Chinese Communist Party and solemnly announced that "all Chinese citizens are equal, but some are more equal than others."
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.