BEIJING—There have been reports of a human case of a rare bird flu in China, but Chinese officials have dismissed the report saying it’s impossible for bird flu to be in China as there are no birds there.
“It’s absurd to suggest there is bird flu in China because we have gotten rid of all birds,” said Chinese President Xi Jinping at a press conference. “China has complete dominance of all of its skies — including in Taiwan which we are totally in control of — so no birds would dare intrude here. To suggest otherwise is more American lies — just like the lies that I look like Winnie the Pooh when I in fact look like a more rugged Timothée Chalamet.”
Xi went on further to say that if anyone in China got sick, it was not bird flu but “totally regular flu” and that no weird diseases ever originate in China and everyone should stop looking into their Wuhan lab which is only working on “a new type of gum that never loses flavor.”
The press conference was then interrupted by what looked like a number of doves flying overhead, but Xi said they were not birds but tiny airplanes flown by mice as part of their new advanced Chinese air force which could “fend off an attack from any entity, including the American Space Force.”