WASHINGTON, D.C. - After a batch of his emails were made public through an FOIA request, a desperate, frantic Dr. Fauci called in an expert technician to make sure no more damaging emails were made public.

The technician, renowned Beltway-area email server technician Hilgo Clintmann, arrived in his van and began to inspect Fauci's modest email server configuration.

"Oh, yes, very bad email security here sir, very, very bad," Clintmann said as he walked through the server racks and inspected the various hard drives and cables. "We're going to need to rework this whole setup. You need to be able to, how you say, disappear emails right away. We will take care of this with emergency panic buttons. Do not worry, Dr. Fauci -- we will make sure you are never embarrassed ever again."

Clintmann even told an elated Dr. Fauci that his company also specializes in finding out who leaked a particular set of emails and making sure that they "never make that mistake again." "It is a, how you say, cleaning service. You make the mess, we clean it up."

Finally, before leaving, Clintmann installed an emergency hammer behind a piece of glass reading "Break in case of federal investigation."