ATLANTA, GA — In an announcement sure to cause celebration across the nation, food chain Chick-fil-A has unveiled plans to add a tire rotation, oil change, car wash, and tax preparation services to their astoundingly efficient drive-thru lanes.

"We've got plenty of spare time to do more for our customers," said Chick-fil-A marketing spokesman Tony Schiavone. "We figured that we shouldn't limit ourselves to providing gloriously delicious chicken and waffle fries but seek to expand our services to do as much for people as we possibly can. It's our pleasure."

Customers were, as expected, thrilled by the news. "Praise the Lord!" shouted Wendi Richter. "I've always loved eating at Chick-fil-A, but now I can have my car serviced and get my taxes done! I wish I could just live at Chick-fil-A and never leave!"

While Chick-fil-A has built a positive reputation over the years and reached the upper echelon of fast food chains, it now seems destined to be viewed as a one-stop-shop for everything human beings might need. "This may only be the beginning," Schiavone said. "If these services are a hit with our customers, we'll just keep doing more. Pet grooming. Auto detailing. Dentistry. The sky is the limit!"

At publishing time, though the drive-thru lines appeared to be longer than normal, cars were still making their way through at a surprising rate, with smiles and cheers emanating from every vehicle and the occasional car being caught up to Heaven by flaming chariots as the drive-thru staff shouted "My pleasure!"

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