Republicans are back in the driver's seat in the House of Representatives, which means wild and excessive government spending will finally be brought under control. The GOP is vowing to do whatever is necessary to balance the books in Washington.
Through an intricate network of top-secret contacts, The Babylon Bee has obtained the following list of spending cuts Republicans are sure will balance the budget:
- Switch to store-brand ketchup in the Capitol commissary: They don't need fancy ketchup for their dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets.
- Slash "Gender Studies Programs In Pakistan" funding by $1 million: This leaves the budget at a mere $239 million.
- Increase spending on everything, but just a teeny tiny bit less than Democrats want to: When in doubt, make your opponents look like the bad guys.
- Limit the National Institute of Health to only create 23 new viruses & variants annually: It's a steep cut, but they should still be able to wipe out a huge percentage of the population.
- Cut gender-affirming surgery in half: Not the number performed, but only remove one breast or one testicle.
- Mandate that next time we pull out from a two-decade war that accomplished nothing and wasted trillions, we only leave HALF our equipment and armaments behind: This change alone will save billions.
- Replace the Navy SEALs with social workers: Big savings on weapons and elite combat training.
- Downgrade from traditional coke orgies to meth orgies: Have you seen the price of cocaine these days?
- Stop funding fertility treatment for Amish alpaca farms: The world may not survive without this important program, but sometimes sacrifices have to be made.
- Cut back to one Netflix account that everyone in Congress will share: Don't worry, Netflix will never know.
Talk about gutting the budget! With cuts like these, the U.S. will eliminate its $33.74 trillion debt in no time!
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Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.