CHICAGO — To reduce spending, the Chicago Police Department has reportedly introduced a new policy where they tape off locations that aren't murder scenes.
"There are so many murders happening on a daily basis that its occurred to us it will be a lot more efficient and cost-effective to tape off the areas where there haven't been murders yet," Police Chief Lawrence Matthews explained. "Going forward, if you don't see police caution tape, just assume it's an active crime scene. Please watch your step."
Chicagoans expressed delight at the news. "It makes getting around the city so much easier. I used to have to cross several crime scenes to get to work, now it's all just one jumbled mess of death," said local tire salesman Sean Haven. "Plus, now I actually get excited when I see police tape. I think 'wow, so this is one of the two places where no one's died.' It's a fantastic feeling."
Though largely supported by the city, some city officials expressed concern that the roped off areas will now become a target to criminals who want to take over the whole city. "We're essentially shining a spotlight on the few areas of the city where someone hasn't been murdered," said city council member Eric Davis. "I'm not sure that's smart." But police have dismissed such concerns as unwarranted, believing that criminals would never dare cross police tape.
At publishing time, police adjusted their policy to merely tape off the entire city, separating it from the outside world.
Liberal Brynnleigh witnesses a communist utopia in action!
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