NEW YORK, NY — A windowless van was seen lurking outside New York City elementary schools Monday. Witnesses claim the driver handed out obscene pornographic material to minors and lectured them on LGBTQ representation in literature. Police reports identified the driver as none other than Chelsea Clinton, daughter of notable Epstein client Bill Clinton.
"Yuck!" said concerned parent Gail Forthwright after being shown the book Gender Queer, by Maia Kobabea — a book her 8-year-old daughter had been given by the former president's daughter. "Gross!"
According to sources, drag queens in the community have been supportive of Chelsea Clinton's philanthropic efforts. "Kids need to know what it's like to be gay or they won't even know it's something they can be!" said Fabulous Strawberry Lemon, a local drag queen. "If I wasn't abused as a child I never would have become so fabulous. I don't want kids to miss out on their best life."
Clinton maintains that what she's doing is for the benefit of children, though she suspiciously drives away any time police arrive on the scene.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
