U.S.—The CDC is urging American males to remain masked for the rest of their lives due to risks associated with the common man-cold. The agency noted that the man-cold is the root cause of over 600 million sick days each year.
Symptoms of the common man-cold include runny nose, sore throat, coughing, crying, general loneliness, and a loss of all hope. Symptoms are usually at their worst when the man’s wife or girlfriend is nearby.
“Look, we know how devastating the common man cold can be for your average male,” CDC Director Rochelle Walensky explained on CNN. “I’ve heard stories of men who are bedridden for an entire week with this thing. It’s nothing to joke about.”
A CNN poll showed an overwhelming 79% of men will follow the CDC guidelines and continue to mask up in avoidance of the man cold. Just 15% of men, mostly blue-collar types, said they’d never heard of the man cold. 6% of men said they only listen to Donald Trump when it comes to their health.
“Look, I’ll mask up for the rest of my life if it means I don’t have to experience that horrific cold ever again,” explained Ryan Penta, a husband and father of one from California. “Before 2020 I could count over 25 times I nearly died from that cold. 2020 though, was a lifesaver. I didn’t get the cold once because I was masked up 25/7. So this thing’s not coming off!”