Scientists Designate NFL Locker Rooms As Super-Manspreader Events
Sports

TAMPA, FL—The Center for Disease Control has released a statement marking the locker rooms at yesterday's Superbowl LV as a super-manspreader event.

"The fight to stop the rampant spread of manspreading is set back by super-manspreader events like this one where the amount of men manspreading is unmanageable," said Dr. Herb Malcolm of the CDC, who was later accused of mansplaining.

Unlike localized and solitary manspreading events, a super-manspreader event is any concentration of excessive manspreading where the amount of people present manspreading exceeds the number of people sitting in a standard seated pose. Officials from the CDC say that the number of males on-site without anyone to scold them for their sitting position is a recipe for a deadly super-manspreader event. 

While this is the most publicized super-manspreader event, there have been others. Most UFC fights, football games, and even poker games could be considered super-manspreading events. Events like these make the prevention of manspreading nearly impossible for those trying to put a stop to it. 

If you find yourself in what may be considered a super-manspreader event, you can take precautions to ensure you are not negatively impacted. For men, doctors recommend strapping your legs together with a leather belt and finding a silent corner to sit in and avoid eye contact. For women, just run. Run away.

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