ATLANTA, GA — The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention issued an official recommendation this morning that those stricken with explosive diarrhea from the parasitic infection outbreak stay within six feet of a toilet at all times.
The new measure, dubbed "Commode-al Distancing", advises strictly maintaining less than six feet of distance between one's self and a throne room at all times, as well as wearing 90s-era breakaway pants.
"We must all do our part to flatten the splatter curve," said CDC spokesman Fiona Breitling. "We will be distributing little stickers to put on the floor to show how far it is safe to venture from the toilet. Also, we advise Americans to please, do not trust flatulence under any circumstances. The danger here is very real."
Naysayers argued that the six-foot guideline was arrived at arbitrarily and without supporting evidence. "Who determined that six feet is precisely how far you have before Armageddon breaks loose in your trousers?" asked local man Dennis Gorman. "I'm not buying it."
"If you want to try being seven feet away from the john when explosive diarrhea strikes, be my guest," responded new CDC director Erica Schwartz. "Report back to us how that works out for you."
At publishing time, the CDC had advised the purchase of a 5-gallon Home Depot bucket for anyone who, in an emergency, had to travel outside of the toilet's six-foot radius.
Rumors swirl about the current condition of Senator Mitch McConnell, but his staff have come out to say that even if he were dead he will still be able to finish his term.
