VATICAN CITY — Distinguished canon law scholars in the Roman Catholic church have just confirmed that Purgatory consists of helping 3rd-graders with their math homework for hundreds of years.
According to a statement signed, imprimatured and nihil-obstated by more than 45 Catholic canon law specialists, Christians who reach the end of their lives in a state of incomplete sanctification will help nine-year-olds with long division, fractions, and decimals until their souls are purified enough to stand in the presence of a holy God.
In the case of extreme and hardened sinners, the souls will be forced to use Common Core math.
"Those sinners who reach the end of their lives having accumulated insufficient works of mercy will be graciously given the opportunity to atone for their misdeeds by painstakingly working through millions of questions on volume and area with 3rd-graders," Pope Francis told reporters. "Only by enduring such great torments for hundreds of years can the malformation of the will which accompanies earthly sin be rectified."
"Quamquam plusquam terribile appareat decretum, fas et iustum est," said canon lawyer James Andrew Benedict, S. J. in his native Catholic tongue. "Ut peccatorum peccata absolvantur tormentis mathematicis. Nam ex oribus infantum veniunt frustrationes divisionis longae."
At publishing time, Catholic theologians had postulated that Hell might involve teaching phonics to 1st-graders.
Mission accomplished: Satan has just confirmed that Jesus of Nazareth was crucified and will never be coming back.
