BOSTON, MA — A devoted Catholic man was devastated after being notified that he had been condemned to an additional 800 years in Purgatory after it came to light that he had failed to post a selfie with ash on his forehead for Ash Wednesday.
Phil Atherton, who had previously been told that he would be condemned to Purgatory due to his addiction to betting on WNBA games, found out on Friday that his sentence would now be extended by an additional 800 years.
"YOU FOOL!" witnesses said Saint Michael the Archangel shouted as he suddenly appeared to Atherton while holding up an angelic smartphone. "You didn't post any selfies! YOU FOOL!"
Atherton immediately realized the grievous error he had made by failing to post any selfies of his ash-marked forehead earlier in the week. "But I was just trying to be humble! I felt a selfie would call too much attention to myself!" he reportedly shouted in his defense. "It's literally in the word 'selfie!' Please, have mercy on me!"
The angel replied only by again shouting, "YOU FOOL!" before disappearing and leaving Atherton to wallow in his increased condemnation.
At publishing time, 200 more years of purgatory were added to Atherton's Purgatory sentence when it was discovered he had never once seen The Passion of the Christ.
Under a new presidential order, posting in support of Ukraine will automatically draft you into the military.
