LEXINGTON, KY — Local cashier Dan Johnson couldn't help but worry that the woman who just checked out with dozens of key fob tags might be cheating on him with other grocery stores.
"It's called a 'loyalty' card for a reason, ok?" said a disturbed Mr. Johnson. "And then you see her running around with all these other stores on her keychain, like so many notches in her belt - it just hurts, you know? And she wasn't even trying to hide it!"
After calming himself down, Mr. Johnson has vowed to be far more careful in the future about who he offers a loyalty card to. "I'm done with settling," said Mr. Johnson, straightening up. "I deserve better than this. No more just giving incredible savings away to people who are just going to stab me in the back."
The woman in question, Mrs. Lisa Dodd, admitted to her philandering upon being confronted with the evidence. "Look, I never meant for it to end up like this," said Mrs. Dodd, flipping through one key fob tag after another. "I was just tired one evening and Kroger was just waiting right there, with open arms. I'm so ashamed."
At publishing time, Mrs. Dodd had reportedly shown up at the grocery store inebriated, begging Mr. Johnson to re-activate her loyalty card.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
