SEATTLE, WA—After a full five minutes of careful study on a controversial topic, local believer Andrea Williams confirmed Wednesday that she had come to the conclusion that the Bible was 100% in agreement with what she wanted to be true in the first place.
The Christian woman performed extensive research into the topic, including googling phrases like, “how do I explain away verses that disagree with me in the Bible,” and, “how to eisegete,” before cracking open her copy of the Scriptures and spending minutes poring over the text.
“It’s really amazing—when I just make the effort to spend a few deliberate, hasty minutes in the Word, I can get the text to fall in line with my preconceived notions about issues that matter to me,” she was heard saying as she consciously chose to ignore the clear meaning of the inspired words in favor of an unlikely interpretation only arrived by imposing her worldview on the text. “I love how when we come to the Word of God and allow it to shape our minds, it always does us a favor by conforming to our own understanding first.”
The self-made scholar was later offered a lucrative book deal on the topic by a major Christian publisher.