WASHINGTON, D.C.—The carbon footprint of the Green New Deal has already reached dangerous levels as congressional staffers have been forced to furiously reprint revisions of the document around the clock since the proposal's unveiling.
As Fox News’ Tucker Carlson began reading the 192nd draft of the Green New Deal live on air, Ocasio-Cortez began shouting to her aides, “All right Comrades! We need to get cracking on version 193.01c—LET’S GO, GO, GO, GO, GO!!!”
Apparently, the 192nd draft mistakenly mentioned Democrats' passion-project “Operation RoundUp”, a bill which would round up and all white males for deportation-- right after they finish pulling the nation’s weeds.
The congressional office has been producing so many re-writes of the bill, their computers, shredders, and printers were overheating from overuse.
“But Congresswoman, shouldn’t we slow down a bit!?” a staffer yelled over the fire alarm while weeping. “Those printers are on fire and our fingertips clearly need medical attention!” Nevertheless, she persisted. In fact, if any staff member complained about being asked to work on yet another revision of the Green New Deal, she promptly called him or her a "climate-denying racist."
As interns continued to deliver reams of paper and black smoke billowed from her office windows, environmentalists began to show concern. “If her team keeps revising the Green New Deal, Earth will be lucky to only have 12 years left,” remarked a top climatologist. "More like 12 minutes."
At 10:12 pm EST yesterday, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s office had consumed so much energy revising the bill, the Washington, DC power grid finally exploded, leaving dozens dead and hundreds injured.
While Ocasio-Cortez admitted she nearly blew up our nation’s capital, she was displeased with some of the media coverage her explosion received. “Oh, I see.” she snapped. “It was only my first time causing mass casualties and destruction and The Washington Post calls ME out?! A woman of color!?”
The Washington Post quickly revised its story, remarking that while the power grid explosion was deadly, it was the most beautiful explosion they had ever seen. The newspaper has also sent Ocasio-Cortez's office a tearful apology and several Edible Arrangements.
Get Free Access To Our Brand New Site: Not the Bee
After creating The Babylon Bee in six literal days, Adam Ford rested. But he rests no longer. Introducing Not the Bee — a brand new humor-based news site run by Adam himself. It's loaded with funny content and all the best features of a social network. And the best part? Everyone with a subscription to The Bee gets full access at no extra cost.