WASHINGTON, D.C. — In addition to certifying Mitch McConnell, Diane Feinstein, and John Fetterman as fit to serve in prominent roles in the legislative branch of the United States government, the attending physician at the U.S. Capitol has medically cleared a bowl of Jell-O to serve in the Senate.

"It is my official medical opinion that this bowl of Jell-O is in fine shape," said Dr. Brian P. Monahan. "Both physically and mentally, this bowl of cherry-flavored gelatin is every bit as capable of governing as our most important leaders."

Public concern has grown significantly in recent months, as the advancing ages or much-publicized health issues of America's leaders have called into question whether they are fit to be in their positions. "I've heard all the concerns," Dr. Monahan said. "The media and the public at large love to take certain incidents and blow them out of proportion, but I'm the one with the medical license. If I say Senators McConnell and Feinstein are good to go despite looking like they were just rolled out of a morgue, then they're good to go. Just because Senator Fetterman has to be fed his meals and led into the Senate chamber by a leash doesn't mean anything is wrong with his cognitive abilities. You peasants need to pipe down and let me do my job."

At publishing time, though the Jell-O was said to be waiting in the wings to take McConnell's seat, rumors persisted that it was instead considering a presidential run in 2024.

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