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Calvinist Utterly Paralyzed By Number Of Choices On Coca-Cola Freestyle Machine

LEWIS CENTER, OH—After ordering lunch at a burger joint Monday, local Calvinist man Carl Edwards headed toward the soda fountain while happily whistling “This is My Father’s World” to himself.

But he was stopped in the middle of the fifth verse as he approached the restaurant’s newly installed Coca-Cola Freestyle machine, utterly paralyzed by the number of selections made freely available for him to choose.

“Oh… oh man,” he muttered, running his hand through his hair as he slowly began to peruse the wide variety of sodas paired with a huge selection of flavor additions. “Father, help me, for I am undone!”

A line of impatient patrons began to form behind him as he continued to stare, eyes glazed over, mouth open wider than the path leading to destruction. At long last, a customer who loosely holds to 3-point Arminianism came forward to help Edwards operate the machine, showing him how he could use his own free will to flip between low-calorie sodas, caffeine-free choices, and even add whatever flavor his heart so desired to his selection.

His cup now filled, a horrified Edwards stared at the unholy concoction, selected by the depths of his own sinful heart, and poured it on the floor in disgust before rending his garments and sprinkling ashes from a cigar he had smoked earlier that morning upon his own head.