Church
California Allows Churches To Reopen As Long As Members Drink Blood Of Slain Goat, Renounce Christ

SACRAMENTO, CA—California is finally loosening up lockdown restrictions on churches, Governor Gavin Newsom announced on Monday. While social distancing orders will remain in place, churches will be allowed to begin meeting again as long as they follow some newly released guidelines including...

  • Churchgoers may not sing, but they may hambone, tap dance, or chant worshipfully about the greatness of Governor Gavin Newsom.
  • Congregants must remain six feet away from the Holy Spirit at all times.
  • Money may not be put in the offering plate but burnt offerings may be made to the California political leader of your choice.
  • All returning church members must drink the blood of a slain goat that is spotless, over a year old, preferably the firstborn of its flock. 
  • Christ must be denied fully before reentering church premises.
  • Facemasks must be worn at all times while inside the building.

Liberal church leaders praised Newsom for his willingness to "come their way" to reopen and were happy to comply.

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