Are you a little sad that Canada won that hockey game the other night? Well, cheer up, friend: here are 21 things that America is way better at than our little brother up north:
Being warm: They are so bad at this.
Not electing women: Our track record is outstanding.
Overthrowing tyrannical governments: It's sort of our thing.
College football: It's embarrassing how much better we are.
Getting a tan: Do better, Canada.
Punching Canadians before hockey games: Admittedly we're new at this, but we're already better.
Garnering some sort of respect from other countries: Maybe don't put your police in furry red coats.
Remembering the Alamo: It's not even close.
Not killing off old, sick people: We are so much better at not smothering sick people with a pillow.
Rap music: Who's your best rapper, Avril Lavigne?
Being nice to straight-shooting psychologists who talk like Kermit the Frog: He's with us now.
Cooking tacos: Absolute superiority.
Not speaking French: America is dominant at not speaking other languages.
Eating hot dogs: Not a single Canuck out there who can wolf down 60 hot dogs in 10 minutes. Sad!
Saying the word "about": Y'all are so bad at this.
Having homes that aren't made out of ice: We are incredible at not living in igloos.
Owning guns: Don't mess with the champs.
Drinking maple syrup: Super Troopers is proof.
Having states instead of dumb provinces that no one knows: No one cares, Canada.
Beating up commies: Honestly, you should try it.
Hockey: We still won the aggregate 5-4. You silly Canucks.
See there, don't you feel better?
Rumors swirl about the current condition of Senator Mitch McConnell, but his staff have come out to say that even if he were dead he will still be able to finish his term.
