WASHINGTON, D.C. - Jacob Chansley, also known as the "QAnon Shaman", or "Buffalo Hat Guy", has been sentenced to 41 months in prison. According to sources, he expressed his regret that he didn't do something more peaceful, like burning down a car dealership in Kenosha.
"Dude, I dunno what I was thinkin' man," said Chansley as his hands and feet were bound for the long march back to his cell. "I wish I had just looted a Nike store, or beaten a Trump supporter within an inch of his life, or burned down an entire city block for social justice. Kamala Harris would have bailed me out and a Democrat DA would have dropped all the charges! I was so stupid!"
Leftists have condemned the sentencing, insisting it should have been much harsher.
"The QAnon Shaman should be held in solitary confinement and tortured every day for the rest of his life for daring to overturn our holy democracy," said Joy Reid during her nightly program. "If a black person had done this he would have been lynched because America is racist and black people get lynched all the time for much smaller infractions."
Fortunately, Chansley won't be alone in prison, as he will have tons of anti-CRT parents of schoolchildren to keep him company.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
