JERUSALEM - In an absolutely savage prank, the disciples bought the Apostle Peter an alarm clock that goes off in the morning by blaring the crow of a rooster three times.
"This is going to be EPIC," said Philip, rubbing his hands with glee as they wrapped the present. "I bet a denarius he cries."
"I don't know about this guys," said Bartholomew, the group's perpetual buzzkill.
An unsuspecting Peter arrived for dinner that night to a giddy group of disciples, barely able to contain their giggling. After dinner, John - the disciple Jesus loved - did the honors of handing over the present.
"Aw guys! You shouldn't have," said Peter. "Huh? An alarm clo-". Peter was cut short by the perfectly-timed rooster alarm going off, followed by howls of laughter from the other disciples.
"STOP IT GUYS THAT'S NOT FUNNY!" he said before running off to weep bitterly.
At publishing time, Peter had reportedly left for Rome to go become Pope so he could officially tell those knuckleheads to go pound sand.
In this instructional video, Chinese soldiers are trained how to shout the wrong pronouns at American forces: