GAZA — After months of intense negotiation with the Biden administration, Hamas has at last agreed to release zero hostages in exchange for wiping every Jew off the face of the planet.
President Biden hailed the agreement as a massive breakthrough, with Hamas having rejected previous offers to exterminate only some of the Jews. "First we asked for a few American hostages in exchange for freeing into Gaza a thousand terrorists hellbent on killing Jews," explained lead negotiator Tom Rogers. "Boy, did we feel silly when Hamas explained it had already murdered the hostages. It was so embarrassing! So, we offered to free the terrorists anyways and send Hamas $10 million for the trouble, but they said no. Tough negotiators, those terrorists. Anyhow, finally we settled on wiping the Jewish people off the face of the planet in exchange. It's a win-win."
"We finally have a deal," announced President Biden in front of a "Death To America" banner. "They said it couldn't be done, but Uncle Joe has no quit in him. Everyone had to give some things up, but that's what compromise is all about - Hamas gave up pretending to have hostages, and we gave up the nation of Israel along with the well-being of every Jewish person on the planet. Pretty square deal, eh Michigan?"
At publishing time, Biden had reportedly commissioned a poll in Michigan to determine how many votes each hostage's life was worth.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
