U.S.—A bombshell report put out by the corporate press today revealed that a Catholic believer believes things that the Catholic Church has believed for thousands of years.
"This is shocking," said Timmy Ooblyboo, head religion writer at VOX. "It seems like the Catholic Church's record on feminist and LGBTQ issues is simply deplorable. I thought Catholicism was just this fun club where people got together socially and drank wine and stuff, but it seems they actually have a strict set of beliefs that Amy Coney Barrett actually believes."
Reporters are currently digging through thousands of books on theology to find all the weird stuff that Christian weirdos believe.
One investigative journalist from CNN looked up from a stack of books after studying them all night. "I... I... I think this stuff is true. Why didn't anyone tell me all this before? Oh no! Am I a weirdo Christian now? What have I done?"
According to sources within mainstream media organizations, reporters converted to Christianity in record numbers after poring through Biblical texts looking for dirt on Amy Coney Barrett and instead, finding a compelling and beautiful worldview that rang true to them.
The reporters then all got jobs at Fox News in keeping with their Christian beliefs.