ARLINGTON, VA — In a press conference held this morning, Boeing sadly announced that a whistleblower had shot himself in the back while falling off a skyscraper directly into a wood chipper while wearing cement shoes.

Though the shocking incident is the second such death of a Boeing whistleblower in as many months, the company saw no correlation between the two terrible tragedies that were in no way the results of any type of foul play and were clearly instances of suicide.

"We received awful news this morning," said a Boeing spokesperson at the press conference. "It has been brought to our attention that the individual who came forward as a whistleblower regarding our company using defective and dangerous products has died. He apparently took his own life by shooting himself in the back as he jumped from a tall building and landed straight in a perfectly positioned wood chipper, all after going to the effort of fitting himself with a pair of cement shoes. It's sad that he was so despondent that he felt the need to end his life in such a needlessly complicated way. In completely unrelated news, the investigation into the safety standards of our design and manufacturing processes has been put on indefinite hold due to the lack of any witness testimony. Thank you."

At publishing time, Boeing had distributed a company-wide memo to all employees to warn them about the tragic effects of suicide and to keep their yappers shut if they knew what was good for them.

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