WASHINGTON, D.C. — Campbell's Biology Textbook, 11th Edition, was arrested on the charge of inciting violence after it repeatedly insisted that only women can get pregnant.
"Science is so unbelievably transphobic and has no place in our society," said law professor Samantha Middleton. "Textbooks that explain basic biological facts about women are essentially calls to violence. I'm grateful to finally see this menace behind bars, where it can no longer disagree with how I feel."
Prior to its incarceration, the biology textbook was subjected to intense interrogation by progressives. "We really tried to give science the chance to stop being so bigoted," said Senator Elizabeth Warren. "But no matter how much we yelled and screamed, the science book just sat there, stubbornly refusing to change its mind. Well! I hope it enjoys believing in objective reality while it rots in prison!"
Though previously well-respected, the biology textbook had come under fire over the past two years for "erasing" trans men. According to liberals, the book did so with its simultaneous claims that only females get pregnant, and that those females are, in fact, female. "Pretty bold claims this book is making here," said biologist Dr. Martin Stevenson. "I know this will ruffle some feathers out there, but I have to be honest here: females are females. I know that really makes a lot of people angry, though I still can't quite understand why."
At publishing time, Dr. Stevenson was thrown in prison along with J.K. Rowling, all Latin-based languages, and every textbook printed before 2021.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
