LITTLE ROCK, AR — After watching her grandfather gnaw on a baby on live television, four-year-old Navy Roberts was reportedly relieved that President Biden had disowned her.
"I didn't know Grandpa ate babies," said Navy. "I thought it would have been cool to meet my Grandpa and visit the White House -- but, um, I think I'll stay here with my mom."
According to sources, Navy occasionally likes to watch the news to see the Grandpa she has never met. "I was sad when I saw Grandpa put up a stocking at Christmas for the dog, but not for me," said Navy. "Then, I saw him lick that little girl like she was a strawberry ice-cream cone. She looked so scared! I'm not sad anymore."
Reporters say that the little girl who was chewed on by Mr. Biden has received her tetanus booster and is undergoing a series of shots for rabies. "We're taking the usual precautions with any bite victim," said pediatrician Dr. Amy Reynolds. "President Biden will also be quarantined for two weeks while we test for rabies. Interestingly, his staff said that was already on his schedule anyways. We believe the little girl will make a full recovery, though psychologically, she may always have trust issues with men."
At publishing time, the White House reported that the person responsible for keeping the President from eating babies had been fired.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
