WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump delighted the nation this week, unveiling plans for a giant cannon that he hopes will facilitate faster, more entertaining deportations.
"We've got to make our country safe again, and the best way to do that is with a giant cannon capable of firing them out of the country," said Trump. "I want a circus one. Just tremendous what those circus freaks can do. Can you believe they have a man who tames lions? I told them there's no way you can tame a lion, but he did it. Anyway, cannons. We're gonna have so many of them."
Sources say the crowd cheered wildly at the announcement.
Officials are currently testing an advanced cannon prototype in the nation's capital, using criminals picked up during nightly D.C. patrols as ammunition. If all goes according to plan, cannons will be set up at every port of call, ready to shoot would-be immigrants out of the country at a moment's notice. But for now, the government will have to make do with firing people over the Potomac River.
Democrats pounced on the President, saying his immigration cannon disproportionately affects minorities. "This sets a dangerous precedent," Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi said. "It's only a matter of time before Trump begins firing American citizens out of a cannon."
"I don't care how fun and exciting it is to see people shot out of a cannon."
Trump responded to criticism by pointing out that when illegal immigrants are fired out of cannons, they flail around and fly through the air helplessly. "It's really funny," he said.
At publishing time, Trump, further inspired by the circus, suggested illegal aliens seeking asylum must complete a death-defying trapeze act.
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