CLEVELAND, OH - In a brilliant debate performance, candidate Joe Biden offered his most compelling case for election yet, saying: "If I am elected, you'll get to see what all my policy positions are!" 

After debate moderator Chris Wallace tried to set a diabolical trap for Biden by asking him for his policy positions, Biden shrewdly saw the trap coming a mile away and refused to answer the question. 

"Naw, that's a trap. A bunch of malarkey, I say!" Biden retorted. "I ain't gonna tell you nothin'. You'll just try to use my policy positions to make me look bad! Well, I ain't fallin' for it, Jack. No sir, no how."

Biden went on to explain that his policies are a "special, secret surprise" and are so special and secret, even he himself doesn't know them yet. 

"Don't you want to see my policies?" Biden said. "I know I do! Vote for me in November and you may just get a chance to see them! Besides, Donald Trump? Come on, man! Look at that guy! That guy can't even bench press a flea-bitten mink coat in a snowstorm!"

In a closed-door fundraising dinner, Kamala Harris assured supporters that they do in fact have policy positions that can be found on BLM's website or in a book called Das Kapital by a fellow named Karl.