Biden: 'You Have To Elect Me To Find Out What My Policy Positions Are'
Politics · Sep 30, 2020 · BabylonBee.com

CLEVELAND, OH - In a brilliant debate performance, candidate Joe Biden offered his most compelling case for election yet, saying: "If I am elected, you'll get to see what all my policy positions are!" 

After debate moderator Chris Wallace tried to set a diabolical trap for Biden by asking him for his policy positions, Biden shrewdly saw the trap coming a mile away and refused to answer the question. 

"Naw, that's a trap. A bunch of malarkey, I say!" Biden retorted. "I ain't gonna tell you nothin'. You'll just try to use my policy positions to make me look bad! Well, I ain't fallin' for it, Jack. No sir, no how."

Biden went on to explain that his policies are a "special, secret surprise" and are so special and secret, even he himself doesn't know them yet. 

"Don't you want to see my policies?" Biden said. "I know I do! Vote for me in November and you may just get a chance to see them! Besides, Donald Trump? Come on, man! Look at that guy! That guy can't even bench press a flea-bitten mink coat in a snowstorm!"

In a closed-door fundraising dinner, Kamala Harris assured supporters that they do in fact have policy positions that can be found on BLM's website or in a book called Das Kapital by a fellow named Karl.

A Babylon Bee subscriber contributed to this report. If you want to pitch your own headline ideas to our staff, click here to check out all of our membership options!

Ready to join the conversation? Subscribe today.

Access comments and our fully-featured social platform.

Sign up Now