WASHINGTON, D.C. — After a mystery illness and undisclosed stay in intensive care, Biden's Secretary of Defense will be returning to work. In a joint press conference with his military commander, Biden welcomed him back and reassured the nation that everything was ok.

"It's an honor to have my man Barack Obama back at the White House," said Biden to reporters. "He's a great negro of our time. Clean and articulate. He's my friend and he's black. The blacks love me. Please welcome my Defence Secretary and friend Barack Onahbwa! Tribblizscurenidzleblargelth!"

The Defense Secretary, who later identified himself as "Lloyd Austin," reportedly waved timidly to the crowd and then donned 15 COVID masks before running to hide behind a tree.

"The President knows his own Defense Secretary's real name," said Karine Jean-Pierre. "He just called him 'Obama' as a tasteful and appropriate joke to make him feel welcome. Everything is fine and normal. Biden is very competent and mentally fit. Totally fine, here. No problems at all. Thank you."

At publishing time, Biden refused to take any more questions and directed all inquiries to his Press Secretary Michelle.

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