SEATAC, WA — Alaska Airlines has launched a special new "scenic view" seat upgrade where the entire side of the cabin next to your seat is blown out into the sky and you are assaulted with a dramatic atmospheric change that upsets the pressure in the cabin. The luxury experience can be yours for a small $30.00 fee.
"People hate flying and I want to change that," said Alaska Airlines CEO David Grumble. "For a nominal fee, we can blow off part of the plane and give you the ride of your life. Our new 'scenic view' seat upgrade provides a full 180° view of the earth as you hurl past it at 600mph while 40,000 feet in the sky."
Customers aboard Alaska Airlines flight 1282, which first introduced the "scenic view" seat assignment, argue the airline is trying to cover up for what was clearly a dangerous malfunction. A sudden hole appeared in the side of the plane and oxygen masks came down to compensate for the lack of atmosphere, suggesting that it was an unplanned occurrence.
"We could have died," said passenger Shelby Rainfield.
"This is just a misunderstanding," said a spokesperson for the airline. "It's all part of the experience."
At publishing time, Alaska Airlines began upgrading passengers to "scenic view" seats for free to entice cautious travellers to fly on their planes again.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.