WASHINGTON, D.C. - At a press conference today, President Joe Biden expressed his bewilderment that the Taliban won the war in Afghanistan against the United States, pointing out that they have neither nuclear weapons nor F-15 aircraft.

"I'm not buyin' that malarkey!" Biden said indignantly when a reporter asked him his thoughts on the United States spending $2 trillion on a war against shepherds in the desert and losing. "Listen, if you want to come after the United States government, you're gonna need nukes and F-15s."

"Wait -- are you saying that you'd nuke American citizens if they also challenged the U.S. government?" asked the concerned journalist.

"Listen, no, what I'm saying is--is I'd nuke 'em."

"So you did say you would nuke innocent civilians?"

"Shut up! That was like 4 or 5 minutes ago! Come on. The point is clear, man."

At publishing time, Biden had clarified that the Taliban don't have nuclear weapons or F-15s yet.