U.S. — Americans are up in arms after a Chinese high-altitude spy balloon was seen hovering over sensitive nuclear sites in Montana. Biden was quick to quell fears, vowing to shoot down the hostile balloon as soon as he's done letting it spy.
"Listen folks, that balloon came a long way to do a little spyin'," said Biden in a meeting with military leaders. "Would be a shame to shoot the poor thing down before it even gets a chance to take some pictures! I remember when me and the boys used to spy on Suzie Anne McGillicutty through her bedroom window after a long day of protesting the civil rights movement. It's all in good fun, folks!"
According to anonymous sources, several Pentagon officials asked how soon they would be able to knock the balloon out of the sky, insisting it was a matter of national security.
"Come on, man! I'll let you shoot it down. Just let me check to make sure the Chinese have what they need and that the million-dollar check for Hunter's painting came through from my buddy Xi. Then, have at it, boys!"
At publishing time, Eric Swalwell had been seen approaching the spy balloon and asking for its number.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
