WASHINGTON, D.C. - Just days after making an accurate, fact-based claim that MAGA was "the most extreme political organization in recent American history," President Joe Biden fell back into his habit of making false assertions about his past, this time claiming he had once had an abortion.
"Back in the, around the, in the 1970s when I was a, you know, a young, single black woman, I had to make a choice between keeping or killing, or killing or keeping the where was I, the dead child, or you know putting food on the table," claimed the real President behind a fake lectern in a fake press room with fake windows on the set of a fake White House.
Biden continued, "Back then I was trucking cross-country while fighting street gangs and marching with Rodney King to protest the Klondike Bar Klan, I had no choice but to murder my unborn child. Molasses."
Fact-checkers labeled the President's claims as mostly true, then pulled bottles of hard liquor from their desk drawers and drank until the warmth of inebriation gave them fleeting respite from the gaping, hollow void that ceaselessly harrowed their souls.
Biden has promised to fight hard until every woman has the right to "flapjack the waffle iron on a frumdiggle torcraprezsure" just like he did.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
