WASHINGTON, D.C. — During a courageous public statement denouncing Adolph Hitler in 2022, President Joe Biden deviated from his prepared remarks and recounted the time he personally faced off against Hitler while working as a lifeguard at a public swimming pool in Wilmington, Delaware.
"Listen, folks. These types of characters can only be handled head-on," Biden said to the assembled media. "I remember when I was a lifeguard and had to get right up in old Adolph's face at the pool. He was running around, bullying the black kids, stealing everybody's funnel cakes, and shouting things in German or whatever. I stood right up there in front of him and said, ‘Hey! Stop it, Jack!'"
Reporters who were gathered to hear the President's statement immediately broke out into applause and declined to fact-check the plausibility of the Nazi Führer being present at a Delaware pool in 1962.
"Who are we to question the statements of the leader of the free world?" asked CNN White House correspondent Phil Mattingly. "If President Biden says he confronted Adolph Hitler to his face, he should be applauded, not ‘fact-checked.'"
The President seemed to begin telling another story about sharing milkshakes with Japanese Emperor Hirohito in the days leading up to the Pearl Harbor attack, but members of the Secret Service whisked him away.
At publishing time, Hollywood celebrities had begun lining up to appear in Stephen Spielberg's upcoming historical epic, Biden vs. Hitler.
Watch as a fired Twitter employee applies for her first *actual* job: