WASHINGTON, D.C. - As Americans struggle against runaway inflation, labor shortages, and supply chain congestion, President Biden has vowed to stop being a bad president if everyone will just get vaccinated.

"Listen folks, here's the deal," he said to the female Secret Service agent being forced to watch him skinny dip in the pool. "Haven't you all suffered enough? I promise to start doing a good job running the country if everyone will just get the jab, Jack!" And then, for emphasis, he repeated "just get the jab, Jack", except in a low whisper this time. 

Press Secretary Psaki confirmed that Biden is doing an absolutely terrible job at being president to teach the American people a lesson on the importance of obeying vaccine mandates. "We assure you that once everyone in America is vaccinated, Biden will stop being awful," she said.

Biden also confirmed that if everyone wears a mask and gets the booster, he may even start working full workdays and take fewer naps. 

To promote vaccination, Biden plans to travel the country and whisper the words "get vaccinated" into everyone's ears. If that doesn't work, he plans to pound on a lectern and say "get vaccinated" in a loud, angry voice. He promises that after that he will stop destroying the country.