WASHINGTON, D.C. - In real news that actually happened on today, April 1, President Joe Biden gave a clear, coherent speech, not once stumbling over his words, making up something that never happened, or saying something absolutely insane. The president calmly made the speech, which many reliable journalists witnessed, and everyone agreed that his thought processes were clear and not at all muddled. He knew where he was, he knew what year it is, and he definitely knew that he was the president. After the speech, the press asked hard-hitting questions, and Biden responded to all of them quickly, calmly, and completely. He didn't once get mad at reporters for asking questions, and his aides did not rush him out of the room as soon as possible. Finally, Biden went back into the White House and got to work trying to balance the budget, bring unity to the country, end foreign wars, and solve the border crisis.