NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ - Johnson & Johnson has introduced a new 3-in-1 product that contains shampoo, conditioner, and the Johnson & Johnson vaccine.

"Now, you can clean, condition, and vaccinate, all with one handy bottle," said a Johnson & Johnson representative. "Our product has all the vitamins and minerals you need for a healthy head of hair and a 100% safe and effective vaccine against COVID-19."

"Plus, it has no more tears!" The Johnson's-branded 3-in-1 shampoo is safe for infants through adults, so your whole house can be clean, tangle-free, and safe from COVID. Protection may not last forever, though, so Johnson & Johnson recommends buying multiple cases of their product and using it several times a day, and then ordering more when you run out, just to be on the safe side.

"Yeah, you're gonna have to buy a lot of this stuff we make," said the rep. "It's, uh, for science."

If you buy now, for a limited time, the shampoo will include 30% more tracking microchips, a representative confirmed at publishing time.