WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an attempt to film a fourteen second video challenging former President Trump to a debate, President Biden tragically passed away thirteen times.
"Aw, crap, he's dead again," said videographer John Stanton, who was beginning to feel a bit underpaid. "Someone shock him again, he's still got two more lines to get through. Clear!"
According to White House sources, the bulk of President Biden's dying occurred while trying to say his stinger, "Make my day, pal." "Biden had made it through the first two lines only needing three rounds of chest compressions," said a staffer on condition of anonymity. "He was crushing it. But then he got to that line, and good grief. 'Make my' --- dead. 'Make' -- dead. 'Make my day, p' --- dead again. It was starting to get ridiculous."
After months of dodging former President Trump's invitations to debate, Biden had decided to project strength by issuing his own forceful challenge. However, pundits report that Biden's intended show of strength was slightly marred by his dying repeatedly on camera. "Biden needing a baker's dozen cardiopulmonary resuscitations may have somewhat diminished the forcefulness of his challenge," explained CBS anchor Norah O'Donnell. "Generally speaking, dying several times has been shown to reduce the perception of strength and vitality. It's science."
At publishing time, President Biden had attempted to follow up by calling Trump to pick a date, and tragically died again.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
