WASHINGTON, D.C. - Faced with plummeting poll numbers and the realization that a rambling, semi-coherent, two-hour press conference failed to turn things around, President Biden is apparently considering a new strategy to save his floundering presidency: start World War III.
Deploying troops, warships, and aircraft to confront Russia over Ukraine is the first step in the new plan to escalate a regional conflict into a global clash between superpowers. Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff General Milley said, "It'll be great. Everyone likes a good war, right? Certainly everyone I know - all the generals and defense contractors and Washington elites - they all love a good war. It's a win-win! Unless we lose. Don't include that last part."
"It's a very sound political strategy," an unnamed source within the administration told this reporter. "When the nukes start flying and half of Europe is in flames, who's going to care anymore about a little inflation or a shortage of COVID tests? Plus we showed with Afghanistan that we have absolutely no idea how to end a war. I'm sure starting one has got to be way easier."
Jen Psaki was quoted as saying, "Frankly, I'm so tired of answering questions about the failed immigration policy and the failed Build Back Better bill and the failed voting rights bill and the failed COVID policy and the failed economic policy and 'didn't the stock market collapse today?' - anyway, it'll be nice to talk about a failed war for a change."
Those willing to give their lives to defend Ukraine and boost Biden's poll numbers can report to their nearest recruiting station.
Kyle Mann was just minding his own business, when- BOOP! A wild Gender Fairy appeared!