WASHINGTON, D.C - Justice Stephen Breyer has announced he is retiring from the Supreme Court, sparking intense speculation for who Biden will be nominating to replace him. In response, the President has pledged to nominate a woman of color for SCOTUS, since diversity hires have always strengthened his Presidency.
"I gotta go with what works, folks. And just like choosing my VP, I will select someone for SCOTUS based solely on her race and her gender," said President Biden. "I did that last time and look how well it's worked out for me. Everyone loves and approves of Kamala! She's got a great laugh, comes across as extremely relatable, and just look at how she handled the border crisis so well!"
According to White House sources, the President is not interested in things such as competency, character, or any knowledge of the Constitution whatsoever. Instead, he's only interested in immutable physical characteristics assigned at birth.
"What this country and what this court needs right now is a pair of X sex chromosomes and someone with more melanin in her skin," continued President Biden. "Someone who can call me racist today and praise me tomorrow, that's what we need!"
At publishing time, President Biden committed to begin the process of replacing all of his administration with diversity hires. He vowed to not stop until his entire administration was a diverse coalition of exclusively black women.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
