ANCHORAGE, AK — With Americans across the country remembering the tragic events of September 11, 2001, President Joe Biden offered the victims' families comfort by telling them about the time he watched in horror as his Jenga tower fell right before his eyes.
"9/11 was an unspeakable tragedy, and not only because my son died in the towers," Biden said. "I've been in the same situation myself. For me, it was the time I was playing Jenga with Hunter. We were celebrating a sweet deal we had just closed with a company owned by some Chinamen. It was my turn. The tower was in rough shape, but I thought I could still make my move. I poked around and there weren't any loose pieces left. None. So I found one I thought I could get out. I gave a…I gave it…I gave the…the…the thing there…a good pull. And it just all came down. Right there. All I could do was watch. I watched the tower fall. Sad day, folks."
Surviving loved ones of people who lost their lives on 9/11 seemed unmoved by the president's remarks. "Did he seriously just say that?" asked one young man who never knew his own father due to being an infant the day the World Trade Center towers fell. "I could be mistaken, but I don't think anyone died after losing a game of Jenga."
At publishing time, Biden was preparing a statement of condolences to families whose loved ones died in the crash of United Flight 93 by telling them about the time he lost his Chapstick in a field in rural Pennsylvania.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.