LOS ANGELES, CA — California parents were thrown for a loop today after news broke of a new state law that says if a child identifies as Optimus Prime, they will be required to install tires on him and send him running down the 405 freeway.
"Who are you to stand in your child's way of being themselves?" asked Governor Gavin Newsom. "This new law will allow the children of California to finally live out their authentic lives as intergalactic big rigs that transform into enormous robots to save the world from the Decepticons. None of this should sound crazy to anyone in any way."
Parents across the state found themselves scrambling to comply. "It's definitely a life-changer," said Mike Strimback. "My son has been telling us for years that he's Optimus Prime. I never thought much of it, but now I know it's who he truly is on the inside. We've already put in an order for some truck tires today to install on him, and we'll have him running down the freeway by the end of the day. We've got to fall in line and follow the law, right?"
The couple's son, who will now have his name legally changed to Optimus Prime Strimback, affirmed his desire to be identified as the leader of the Autobots. "YEEAAAHHH! OPTIMUS PRIME!" he shouted while running around the house.
At publishing time, despite initial concerns over his safety, young Optimus Prime Strimback was confirmed to be safe after traffic on the 405 was moving too slowly for him to be in any danger.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.