WASHINGTON D.C. — President Joe Biden says the U.S. economy has never been stronger, or at least, has never deteriorated at a slower rate than it is right now under his administration.
"Rampant inflation, which is definitely caused by my predecessor Donald Trump, the Covid-19 pandemic, extreme MAGA Republicans, and of course, cis-gendered extreme MAGA Republican bigots, dropped 4 percent this last month," the President told reporters. "This is great news for American families who are definitely not struggling to buy basics like bread and milk under my administration."
The President said the slight decrease in economic turmoil is a sure sign of economic growth. "I'm working hard to make sure the small decrease in the acceleration of decay in the sweltering crater that is the U.S. economy won't last long. Today I'm announcing The Totally Legit Inflation Reduction Act The Sequel, which would only add about 5 trillion dollars to the national debt and maybe reduce inflation or something."
"We applaud the President's ongoing efforts to destroy the U.S. economy at a slightly lower rate than before," one CNN reporter wrote. "He's just so folksy and relatable it's hard to even notice the financial strain his policies have placed on American families."
At publishing time, inflation had risen another 15 percent after Biden announced plans to forgive the mortgages of one-legged trans BIPOCs making less than 200 thousand dollars a year.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
