LOS ANGELES, CA — A new study confirmed what has long been theorized, as results show a full 100% of human males watch the film Tombstone in its entirety when they find it playing on television.
"This proves what we've suspected for years," said Professor Martin Van Nostrand, who led the study commissioned by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. "Unlike any other film, Tombstone has a stranglehold on the psyches of men. Any time a man is absent-mindedly skimming through the channels, if he runs across Tombstone, he absolutely must watch it until the end. Fascinating!"
Professor Nostrand then spent the next 3 hours quoting his favorite lines with all his friends.
The study additionally discovered that, at any given moment during the day, there is an 80% chance a man is thinking of a line from Tombstone. "We found that nearly every time a man's wife asks him ‘What are you thinking about?' the answer is most likely Doc Holliday saying ‘I'm your Huckleberry," Van Nostrand explained. "In the off-chance that isn't what he's thinking, then it would have to be Wyatt Earp saying ‘You called down the thunder. Well, now you've got it!'"
Furthermore, the study shows strong indications that any disinterest in the film when it's on TV is cause to question manhood entirely. "If a guy wants to finish watching Tombstone, he's a real man," said entrepreneur Eric Bischoff. "If he doesn't want to watch it, he's not a real man. It's really that simple. Now, skin that smoke wagon and see what happens! Hahahaha! I could do this all day!"
At publishing time, all other men were unavailable for comment due to catching Tombstone playing on cable.
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